How to Increase Low Libido: A Perimenopausal Woman’s Guide
If you’re a perimenopausal or menopausal woman searching for how to increase libido, chances are you’ve already read countless articles promising quick fixes. Supplements, HRT, apps, toys… And if you’re like many women, you likely felt a whisper of doubt: "I'm the exception. My low libido is actually broken. None of this will work for me"
As a Sex & Self Intimacy Coach, AND a midlife woman, I want to assure you: Your desire is not broken; it’s simply changing.
For women navigating the hormonal landscape of perimenopause and menopause, the shift in sex drive is real. Declining estrogen and fluctuating testosterone levels affect both physical arousal and psychological desire. But the most impactful truth we uncover is that this phase of life often requires moving away from the cultural ideal of "spontaneous" sex and embracing a different, deeper, and equally powerful form of arousal.
Let’s dive into the three truths that are essential to understanding and increasing your libido in this next chapter of life.
1. Truth: Bodies, Minds, and Sexualities Change Our WHOLE Life
It’s unrealistic to expect the sex drive you had in your twenties to mirror the desire you feel as a menopausal woman. This is not a failure; it is simply a reflection of an evolving system. Life gets more complex, your priorities shift, your body changes, and your nervous system responds differently to stress. I often have clients who are desperate to “go back to the way things used to be”. We know this isn’t possible, and I’d argue that what’s ahead is ten times more powerful, passionate, and incredible than sex in your 20’s.
2. Truth: There Are Two Types of Desire—And Both are “good”
When trying to figure out how to increase low libido, we often chase the feeling of Spontaneous Desire—the immediate "spark" that comes out of nowhere. Culturally, this type of desire is considered the measure of a "healthy" sex life.
However, many women, particularly perimenopausal and menopausal women, experience Responsive Desire:
Spontaneous Desire: An immediate urge, often without any direct stimulus. (Mostly experienced by folks assigned male at birth.)
Responsive Desire: Desire that is triggered by mental, emotional, or physical stimuli—like touching, kissing, feeling psychologically free, or even just feeling connected. It is an openness to exploring pleasure upon experiencing something sexual.
The facts: The vast majority of people assigned female at birth (30% in one study, compared to 5% with spontaneous desire) primarily experience Responsive Desire. Your lower sex drive isn't a “broken” spontaneous desire; It’s simply different. And still good. You simply need to create the conditions for it to respond.
Stop waiting for the "spark" and start lighting the match. Download my free guide: “Sex Slump Recovery Kit” to learn how to create the conditions for your body to say yes. Download now>>>
3. Truth: The Key to a Fulfilling Sex Life is In Your Hands
The work of increasing libido in the midlife years is less about taking a pill and more about changing your mindset and approach.
By understanding that you lean toward Responsive Desire, you can stop beating yourself up for not feeling the spontaneous "spark" and instead focus on what activates your responsiveness:
Prioritizing self-intimacy and solo pleasure.
Addressing underlying stress (cortisol is a libido killer).
Communicating your desire for connection and non-sexual touch with your partner.
Don’t believe me? I’ve been there! Read my story.
Both spontaneous and responsive desire are equally valid, healthy, and good. By accepting where your sex drive is right now and learning how to activate its responsiveness, you hold the key to a richer, more pleasurable sex life in midlife and beyond.
Ready to stop feeling broken and start feeling turned on? I specialize in helping midlife women and femmes navigate this exact shift. Request a consultation to create your personalized plan for increasing your libido and rediscovering pleasure
